An Accused Agnostic
Renee Lance © 2009
I remember the incidents in my life that made me question life,
church, religious practices and or etc.
I am born from a family that religion has a strong background
and fear was bestowed upon me if I didn’t follow my family practice.
I can recall the time when I became what I am.
A true believer in God the spirit that is in and around us that has a plan for each of us.
I was told that if I didn’t have acceptance
of Christ in my life and wasn’t baptized that I would go to hell.
I, at the age of eight became frighten at the
thought of being in a place full of fire whereas my body and soul would be burning forever.
At the time there was a favorite
cousin of mine that was the reverend of a church called Rainbow Missionary Baptist Church that I decided to become a member
and awaited my day to be blessed with the baptism ceremony.
Each time a Sunday came, when a ceremony was to occur I became ill.
I was so ill that I had to miss the ceremony each time. Because this had
happened for four months in a row I began to wonder if this was something I should do.
The fifth time I thought I would make it to the ceremony instead I ended
up in the hospital for my ninth birthday.
I put off the notion of becoming baptized because other things started
happening in quick succession.
After I was discharged from the hospital my sister went in or an operation
then she came out.
Then my favorite grandmother; my father’s mother went in and out
and in and out until October when she passed away.
My mother told me the life altering news in a weird way she said “Baby, maw-maw passed away
today but don’t think of her as dead think of this as a way of her going away to prepare a place for you to be with her. And in two weeks I’ll be
joining her.”
I began to sob heavily and I told my mother not to say that because I
couldn’t handle her passing away too.
She understood and let me be.
Maw-maw funeral and burial took place without my presence.
Then a few days later my mother went into the hospital then a week after
that she too kept her word and passed away.
This is a time when people around were saying to hold on to Gods unchanging
hand and I agreed with them.
I found myself upset and scared of the fact that two important women in
my life had passed away preparing a place for me yet I won’t be able to enter this place because I haven’t been
baptized.
So I went to church; a catholic church one Sunday with another favorite
cousin of mines whom I was visiting that weekend, and I informed her of my fears.
She then told me if I wanted I could be baptized today by the priest.
I was so delighted.
As promised the priest had in fact baptized me.
I was so happy that I immediately shared this great news with my
grandmother; my mother’s mother and her husband the reverend. His response to me was “It doesn’t count.”
Without any other explanation as of to why the baptism I received didn’t
count.
I again became fearful of the hell that not only he but others have spoken
of.
I went to my cousin that took me to the Catholic Church that baptized
me and informed her of what the reverend said.
She informed me in a matter of fact way that it does count.
I went back and forth with this and came to a conclusion that neither
person had it right.
It was then I made the decision to never be a part of a church ever again.
As time went on I learned that God has a plan for me.
And being a part of a church is not where God wants me to be.
I know this because if God wanted me in church or baptized in a
way that counts for that matter it would have been made possible for that to happen.
Instead god keeps me in what is known as “The world”
for a reason.
One day I got off work late and had to take the bus in an area of danger
to get home when god spoke to me.
He said I am sending you Brain I want you to speak to him.
I was thinking of Brian Washington a good friend of mine that I hadn’t
seen in awhile.
I was waiting for the bus when a white impala came along and stopped.
The man in the car obviously had some issues and he wanted me to get in
his car but I’m not a fool I said no but you can take my number and call me later.
He said “Is it because you don’t know me the reason you won’t
get in.”
I said yes then he said “My name is Brian.”
There was a euphoric feeling around as I looked up in the air and said
to God you have jokes but I see what it is that you want me to say to him.
I gave him God’s message he freaked out because he knew what
I was speaking of.
I’ve often quarreled with my grandmother about her fears of being
alone.
I told her that if something was to happen to her while she was alone,
through god we would find out.
She didn’t believe me.
One day when she was alone at church, she passed out and had to be rushed
to the hospital.
At that moment she was unaware that my sister that lives in another state
was there to see everything that happened.
And when I arrived at the hospital I said to her the exact same
words the reverend spoke of.
Which was God is always here when you need him.
The deacons acknowledged the euphoric feeling and later informed me that’s
what the lesson was that Sunday morning.
Over the years I’ve had many discussion as of to why I should be
in church and many of those discussion evolve around the hell that I’ll be in if I don’t attach myself to a church
to do God’s work.
I listen to them and lost many battles about being in a church.
But still I refused to be a part of it.
I lost those battles mostly because I hadn’t been properly trained
to explain my beliefs, so I waited for God to help me train in that area.
The training came in God’s own time not mines or anyone else’s
and God has showed me the way to him.
Through church is not the way to him for me.
Church is not the way for most of us it is however one stepping stone,
not the structured building some claims it to be.
The first lesson of the training was to learn what knowing God is and
how to explain it.
I have learned that to truly know God and the goodness that comes with
knowing him is love.
Love, is a deep emotion that never sever itself.
It doesn’t go away when things aren’t going the way one feels
it should.
It is not a deep feeling that appears only when thing are going the way
one feels it should.
When times are good or bad, when you’re sick or well, family strife
or family pleasant, work or unemployed it’s there all the time.
The next was to listen to others with different views with an open mind.
I have spoken to an atheist or two, Jehovah witness, Muslims, some Jewish,
catholic and some Israelites and I understand where they are coming from but I can’t be a part of those either.
I cannot live without that euphoric feeling.
I love it so much that I want everyone to experience it.
It frightens me to have people tell me that what I know is true in my
heart mind and soul to not exist and If I don’t follow something along the lines of what they believe then I will be
punished or never exist again.
People began to look at
and or speak to me and because of a persona that I have they usually ask me what church I attend.
They are amazed when they learn there is no church that I attend and when
I explain myself I am accuse of being an agnostic or an atheist.
I say I’m neither.
I believe in a being greater than myself and I don’t question God
or his intentions I do however question churches and religious practices.
Some of those people have a problem with what I know.
Of course that has caused me to question what I know and more importantly
question why I have this persona of someone that attends a church.
To further assist my quest for knowledge I turned to my sister, a person
that firmly grasped the roots of what we were taught as children who attends her church regularly and even throughout the
course of the week, I asked her a question regarding judges nineteen she has yet to answer my question.
I feel that if one who attends church for 30 + years as she has, should
have certain knowledge of the bible and should be able to perform a search and get back with an answer swiftly.
After all, if she truly has a fear and claims that she wants to protect
me from that hell that she has been taught that I am going to, she should have been eager to answer my question regarding
the bible.
But, what I learned from this is that she too has issues with church
but because of what she learned she can’t give in to an alternate meaning of what God is.
I sometimes wonder if she has ever experienced that euphoric feeling.
I’ve tried to guide her to
that feeling.
But she refuses I think it’s because she think that because I don’t
attend a church that what I am summoning is that of the devil.
And because of what she has been taught, she cannot be a part of
it.
I also understand why she would
want me to go to heaven and not hell.
It’s the same reason why I want everyone to experience the euphoria.
It’s a wonderful feeling to experience.
The experience is that of knowing that all things that is happening around
us is for a purpose greater than understanding.
Understanding comes with time.
Time comes with patience.
Patience is a virtue.
Virtue is a desirable quality at which peace often follows.
When peace is achieved then there is an undeniable amount of happiness.
When all those things are mixed together it makes a great recipe for love.
Love is what started everything around us.
God has a love for us that never changes.
When God is showing his love for us amazing things happen.
When Christ was born he had a purpose and that was to show us all the
love that God has for us.
And we as human are suppose to look at Christ life and mirror it.
Not use it for selfish profits.
Then there is knowledge.
To know that each of us will be weak at some point in our lives, but through
God there is strength.
Then there is laughter.
God does have jokes God is the greatest comedian.
That is why there is laughter when there is pain.
Next there is purpose.
If it is unknown what ones purpose is try something funny… ask.
And
one shall receive.
Lastly there is peace.
God wants peace to be with everyone.
When there is peace there is time to reflect and enjoy the great gifts
God has bestowed upon us.
Renee Lance © 2009
